Spitzer's laws of neonatology

1. The more stable a baby appears to be, the more likely he will "crump" that day.
2. The nicer the parents, the sicker the baby.
3. The likelihood of bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD) is directly proportional to the number of physicians involved in the care of that baby.
4. The longer a patient is discussed during rounds, the more certain it is that no one has the faintest idea of what is going on or what to do.
5. The sickest infant in the nursery can always be discerned by the fact that he or she is being cared for by the newest, most inexperienced nursing orienteer.
6. The surest way to have an infant linger interminably is to inform the parents that death is imminent.
7. The more miraculous the "save," the more likely that you will be sued for something totally inconsequential.
8. If they are not breathin', they may be seizin'.
9. Antibiotics should always be continued for ____ days. (Fill in the blank with any number 1-21.)
10. If you cannot figure out what is going on with a baby, call the surgeons. They won't figure it out either, but they will sure as hell do something about it.